10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 1

Attorney Harry Kaufman • October 9, 2018

Forget Divorce. Everyone loves love.

Ignoring Divorce, much of our advertising industry capitalizes on the idea that perfect love is the stuff of our dreams. In the beginning, our hopes hover on the dream of the ideal wedding: white lace, a gorgeous princess-like wedding gown, champagne, and handwritten vows. And once the wedding is over and we switch dreams as we seek the perfect marriage.

For some, never considering the possibility of divorce, the dream transforms to the goal of raising children in an environment where they will be best able to thrive – with two parents, a comfortable home, a dog and a cat.

And of course, we still hope for the marriage which is a true union of creative equals: we hope for a partner that suits us and a coupling that will be uniquely pleasurable, stimulating, reliable, and life-enhancing. And on top of the wish list, we’d like our back scratched and our feet massaged. And a complement a day doesn’t seem like a lot to request.

When the dream can not be fulfilled, often individuals are faced with the psychic consequences of a belabored and bitter split. Self-esteem suffers under the burden of accusations, money haggling, tax audits, threats to have less contact with our children, and of course the death of our dream. The mourning process of divorce is inevitable. Sadness, self-doubt, and a sense of failure are often the psychic costs of a divorce.

However, while mourning and a grieving process are inevitable, there are ways to stave off the worst consequences of a divorce. Here are four of 10 steps to get you started.

Step One: Seek a divorce mediator. The possibility of a divorce through a process of reasonable negotiation exists. Litigation through opposing attorneys is generally a more costly and antagonistic experience. While mediation is not for everyone, it is useful to initially explore the least combative and financially sound solution. Your mediator can tell you if your case is appropriate for the mediation process.

Step Two : Make sure you come to mediation sessions prepared with your most recent income tax returns and statements of both marital assets and debts.

Step Three : Make a decision to try your best to be reasonable– which means that you are willing to listen. Your mediator will help conduct the sessions in a way that allows for fairness. Both parties need to be heard. Polite behavior and the use of active listening skills helps the process along.

Step Four : If you have children, think of their needs first. They deserve the best from both you and your partner. The law provides that the best interests of the children is the primary concern in a divorce. Your mediator will help position the children’s needs as paramount in the discussion process.

Step Five : come to Mediation sessions on time, and keep lists of questions and concerns. Writing down your questions prior to sessions helps you use the time effectively.

Next Article: 10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 2

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Mediation Is Cost -Efficient

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • July 17, 2019

“You talk, I’ll listen.” Active listening (making eye contact, not interrupting, trying to validate the speaker) is the surest way to enhance communication. When your partner feels heard, even if you don’t agree with each other, you set the stage for a favorable negotiation. “Would it be OK with you if I make a suggestion?” Ask permission - you will usually get an affirmative response, but by asking permission, you have engaged your partner in the discussion. “Let’s start with the areas where we agree.” In Mediation and any fruitful dialogue, the key is to build on success. “I acknowledge this is difficult for both of us.” In Mediation, it’s essential to be aware and sensitive the pain of dissolving a partnership and know that sadness and anger are human and are a natural, predictable part of a divorce. “There are no wrong answers when we brainstorm solutions, only options that we may choose to pursue or choose to discard.” As you negotiate a settlement, learn not to fear adverse reactions, and learn to withhold criticism. Sometimes the least likely and most creative solution ends up being the plan both partners can agree to, and ultimately chosen. “We’ve given this marriage what we were capable of giving, so let’s find a peaceful way to settle things.” Commitment to respecting the process, trying to stay logical, containing criticism and trying to stay positive are respectful ways to acknowledge that you both have tried hard to make things work and are willing to move towards a reasonable settlement calmly. “I’d like to propose...” This is a much easier statement to hear than “I want” or “I need.” It assumes that there is a calm process of the proposal followed by a counter-proposal. “I’d like to try...” This phrase often starts a discussion of parenting issues/custody and visitation agreements. Always be aware that the best interests of the children are paramount legally and as parents. A fluid discussion and awareness that as children develop, the arrangement may need to change to benefit the children are essential here. “I believe we will find a solution.” Optimism and hope are the hallmarks of a successful negotiation. It may take a few sessions to get there- but remember Mediation is a process. Your belief in a positive outcome (a less expensive and yet durable divorce agreement) is the positive energy that will drive you towards that peaceful, comfortable outcome. “Thank you.” The most important piece! Gratitude! In every marriage, we begin with hope and love, and somewhere along the way, something went wrong. But treasure the positive memories. Recall the good times, as that fabric is part of your life also. Acknowledgment of your partner’s strengths and good intentions are central to a comfortable, peaceful mediated divorce. Next Article: Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce Click Here For More Information On Divorce Mediation

Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce:

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • April 4, 2019

Forgive yourself- you did the best you could; Avoid replaying your mistakes and partners mistakes; Stay future oriented; Nurture relationships and start to build a new support network; Use creative outlets: photography, journal, draw, sing, dance; Reconnect with spiritual direction; Take care of your children, they need you now; Avoid substances and sugar addiction; Exercise; Be polite - be proud of being a good person in times of duress; Try mediation as a collaborative peaceful and respectful process. It will save you money and help your heart so you can move forward in a peaceful way Next Article: Creative Solutions for Touch Times Click Here For More Information On Divorce Mediation

Creative Solutions for Tough Times

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • April 4, 2019

When people come to see us for Mediation, it is one of the hardest and most challenging times of their life. We understand this and also believe that there can be healing and growth in the midst of calamity. Sometimes in Mediation couples explore new patterns of behavior–speak up more, discuss issues calmly– and develop healthier systems of communication over time, with coaching and positive reinforcement.

10 Ways to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 2

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • October 19, 2018

Sadness, self-doubt, and a sense of failure are often the psychic costs of a divorce. However, while mourning and a grieving process are inevitable, there are ways to stave off the worst consequences of a hiring a divorce attorney. Divorce mediation is a much better alternative.