Creative Solutions for Tough Times

Attorney Harry Kaufman • April 4, 2019

When people come to see us for Mediation, it is one of the hardest and most challenging times of their life. We understand this and also believe that there can be healing and growth in the midst of calamity. Sometimes in Mediation couples explore new patterns of behavior–speak up more, discuss issues calmly– and develop healthier systems of communication over time, with coaching and positive reinforcement.

One of the issues in a marriage that has grown stale or fraught with conflict over time often has to do with habits and patterns of behavior that are intractable. One or both partners may have given into habitual behaviors that led to the death of a vital partnership. Habits live long and creative solutions feel frighteningly like change to the couple, so they stick with ways of interacting that are “safe” in one sense but the tie that binds becomes threadbare as the marriage becomes about patterns and chores, or all about the kids, and the prioritization of the marriage itself is lost along the way.

While there are true addictions that can spell the demise of a marriage – with one or both partners having given in to alcoholism, gambling, or sex addiction – often the problem in a marriage is more subtle and has to do with an interrelationship that has grown dysfunctional over time. While neither partner is totally to blame, the ways the two partners relate has become habitual and non-productive. Silence, and passivity as opposed to assertiveness, can kill a marriage over time. Blaming rather than compromising or negotiating can lead to the end over time. When the couple stops remembering that they want to be a team, this can be the beginning of the end. To honor the marriage as the center of the family takes energy and commitment, and couples can give up on the energetic cost of nurturing the relationship. The neglect of the life of the couple can eventually become the groundwork for unhappiness, and ultimately divorce.

Often, one or both partners retreat into either personal goals, “My needs are not being met so I need to think about me – even if this means that I will have an affair.” Another common reaction to the dissolution of a partnership is a retreat into depression, sadness and grief – an understandable reaction but one which ultimately (if not treated) does not spell out the rejuvenation of a partnership, especially if unresolved and long-standing.

In a good Mediation, we give the couple the opportunity to try again at looking at the pieces of the puzzle (child custody, support, visitation, and division of marital assets and debt), and come up with creative solutions to make both parties comfortable. Trying out new solutions and getting used to new roles in life (being a single parent, living on one’s own, budgeting, prioritizing) can ultimately be a life enhancing experience once you embrace change and view life as a current, full of change twists and turns and never predictable.

Some creative solutions such as “nesting” (sharing both a larger home and a smaller apartment and taking turns living with the children, so the children always remain in the larger space) can be uncomfortable at first but resolves many issues. Trying a varied visitation schedule for the sake of the children’s needs also may feel uncomfortable at first.

However, the goal of a mediated divorce where both parties have a say in determining a fair settlement is also the goal of living a good life – you need to feel you have a voice in the outcome of a major decision that will effect so many aspects of your future. The more input you have, the more you feel heard and listened to by the other party, the happier you will feel with the outcome.

It takes time and compassion to do this kind of work. It takes compassion from both the Mediators, who are committed to treating you in a respectful and gentle manner as befits the stage of life that you are going through. But by choosing to mediate you divorce, you are also honoring yourself in the process. Give yourself credit. You can be creative. You can change dysfunctional communication patterns. You can be heard. And we will do our best to help to help you and your spouse.

Next Article: 10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 1

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Mediation Is Cost -Efficient

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • July 17, 2019

“You talk, I’ll listen.” Active listening (making eye contact, not interrupting, trying to validate the speaker) is the surest way to enhance communication. When your partner feels heard, even if you don’t agree with each other, you set the stage for a favorable negotiation. “Would it be OK with you if I make a suggestion?” Ask permission - you will usually get an affirmative response, but by asking permission, you have engaged your partner in the discussion. “Let’s start with the areas where we agree.” In Mediation and any fruitful dialogue, the key is to build on success. “I acknowledge this is difficult for both of us.” In Mediation, it’s essential to be aware and sensitive the pain of dissolving a partnership and know that sadness and anger are human and are a natural, predictable part of a divorce. “There are no wrong answers when we brainstorm solutions, only options that we may choose to pursue or choose to discard.” As you negotiate a settlement, learn not to fear adverse reactions, and learn to withhold criticism. Sometimes the least likely and most creative solution ends up being the plan both partners can agree to, and ultimately chosen. “We’ve given this marriage what we were capable of giving, so let’s find a peaceful way to settle things.” Commitment to respecting the process, trying to stay logical, containing criticism and trying to stay positive are respectful ways to acknowledge that you both have tried hard to make things work and are willing to move towards a reasonable settlement calmly. “I’d like to propose...” This is a much easier statement to hear than “I want” or “I need.” It assumes that there is a calm process of the proposal followed by a counter-proposal. “I’d like to try...” This phrase often starts a discussion of parenting issues/custody and visitation agreements. Always be aware that the best interests of the children are paramount legally and as parents. A fluid discussion and awareness that as children develop, the arrangement may need to change to benefit the children are essential here. “I believe we will find a solution.” Optimism and hope are the hallmarks of a successful negotiation. It may take a few sessions to get there- but remember Mediation is a process. Your belief in a positive outcome (a less expensive and yet durable divorce agreement) is the positive energy that will drive you towards that peaceful, comfortable outcome. “Thank you.” The most important piece! Gratitude! In every marriage, we begin with hope and love, and somewhere along the way, something went wrong. But treasure the positive memories. Recall the good times, as that fabric is part of your life also. Acknowledgment of your partner’s strengths and good intentions are central to a comfortable, peaceful mediated divorce. Next Article: Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce Click Here For More Information On Divorce Mediation

Ten ways to treat yourself well when you are going through a divorce:

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • April 4, 2019

Forgive yourself- you did the best you could; Avoid replaying your mistakes and partners mistakes; Stay future oriented; Nurture relationships and start to build a new support network; Use creative outlets: photography, journal, draw, sing, dance; Reconnect with spiritual direction; Take care of your children, they need you now; Avoid substances and sugar addiction; Exercise; Be polite - be proud of being a good person in times of duress; Try mediation as a collaborative peaceful and respectful process. It will save you money and help your heart so you can move forward in a peaceful way Next Article: Creative Solutions for Touch Times Click Here For More Information On Divorce Mediation

10 Ways to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 2

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • October 19, 2018

Sadness, self-doubt, and a sense of failure are often the psychic costs of a divorce. However, while mourning and a grieving process are inevitable, there are ways to stave off the worst consequences of a hiring a divorce attorney. Divorce mediation is a much better alternative.

10 Steps to a Cleaner, Quicker, Less Costly Divorce – Part 1

By Attorney Harry Kaufman • October 9, 2018

Ignoring Divorce, much of our advertising industry capitalizes on the idea that perfect love is the stuff of our dreams. In the beginning, our hopes hover on the dream of the ideal wedding: white lace, a gorgeous princess-like wedding gown, champagne, and handwritten vows. And once the wedding is over and we switch dreams as we seek the perfect marriage.